Confessions of a First Time Dad

April 10, 2012

As some of you may or may not know, today marks Jagger’s 1st birthday! Crazy right? Felt like just yesterday I was writing about the 46 hour labor my wife had just gone through. I’m sorry if I just made some people realize how fast time goes by and how old we’re getting as another day passes. This isn’t a bad thing though. Things are looking up, I think.

Though this year has gone by quick in some regards, at times it’s felt as though it’s been the longest year of my life. We should have known the 46 hour labor was an indicator of what we had in store for the first year. We should have known this kid wasn’t going to be all easy peasy. We got ourselves a tough one to say the least, but that just shows he has some character to him. Though we’ve managed and have been happy, things have been an ongoing roller coaster. As many parents know, each day brings on new challenges. Once you find yourself hurdling one obstacle, another one presents itself just around the corner. And sometimes, at least for a few days, things seem to be just perfect. But as we quickly realize, perfect doesn’t last. But as I’ve said many times before, the tough times really don’t matter in the larger scheme of things. The magical moments of becoming a first time parent and the wonderful memories you share with your child outweigh the tough times. It’s grueling at times, but i’m constantly amazed at how far a little smile from your son or daughter can push you to try harder, to get through it, and look ahead.

We’re still rocking him to sleep. Up until 3 days ago, I wasn’t able to feed him the bottle, put him in the crib right away, rub his back for a minute and then walk out of the room without him fully asleep as i’ve started to do. And for now (knock on wood) he’s been putting himself to sleep and sleeping through the night. For awhile though, I guess the majority of this past year, our nights consisted of rocking him for over an hour until he was passed out. Even then, it was still a gamble to put him down and not have him wake up. There’s always the risk of your bones cracking as you stretch to put him down, that you’ll bump into something as you quietly tip toe out of the room, or the noisy neighbors will come home from an all nighter to slam the door and turn their music up to full blast at 5am. It’s always a gamble. My body is in constant pain and my back feels like it’s taken the shape of a question mark. ? . For the most part, After this lengthy process, he would stay down for the whole night. He’s always been good at that. Unless you run into the few days here and there where a tooth is breaking through and he wakes up in the middle of the night crying at the top of his lungs. But for the most part once we put him down, we know we have a good 10+ hours until he wakes up again.

We’ve been pretty good at juggling things, though work has taken the biggest toll. Hours in the day seem to have diminished and by the time you find free time to do that thing you meant to do, you’re dead tired. Coffee has become a savior, though I think I’ve past the point where it even has an effect on me anymore. You prioritize things in your life more due to the lack of time you’re left to deal with things.

Help, regarding family and friends, is something you’ll begin to cherish if you didn’t before. Even the shortest break from things as a parent watches your child can have a longing effect of everyone’s personality. You need that break. You need to reenergize those batteries and move forward. If people are willing to look after your child for a few minutes, hours, days, months, then take them up on it. Unless they’re Kathy Bates from Misery.

We’ve started to look for homes, mainly back in PA near our family. Actually, as I was typing this, a bid on a house we wanted was excepted! Though moving upstate to the Catskills in a secluded cabin on a few acres was our original plan, you find yourself starting to take into consideration the future. Mainly schooling, friends, and environment. Though trees, an artsy environment, and seclusion would be nice at times, I think Jagger would prefer PA instead. PA presents itself to schools we’re familiar with, parents near by to help out from time to time, and more bang for our buck. Though we didn’t see ourself back in PA for sometime, it’s what’s best for the little guy for now. Just look at how fast this year went by. In no time he’ll be started school and getting settled in with a group of friends.

I find myself struggling to complete projects. With a project at my side with a due date of June 1st, I worry about it not being completed. Going back to what I said earlier regarding the amount of time in the day, by the time I’m feeling the most creative, I’m also starting to feel the most tired. The thought of waking up in a few hours has my bed calling for me rather then pushing me to work longer.

Jagger has been good though. I’m not going to sit here and lie saying it’s been all peaches and cream. There are moments of up and down, but screw it, at the end of the day you have this new appreciation for things you never thought thought was possible to have. You find things within yourself you didn’t know were there. It’s all been wonderful though and I wouldn’t wish for anything different. It’s hard to picture anything different. Throughout the first year you usually have family or friends come up to you and say something like ” So…..how’s it going?” I tend to answer them by just saying, 110%. Meaning that you need to be 110% prepared for what you’re about to go through when thinking about having a child. I think if you’re not prepared to the fullest, it’s only that much more harder. God bless the single parents and the one’s who have more then one child at a time. I can’t even imagine. Preparing yourself to the fullest on how your life could potentially turn out will only help you that much more in overcoming the difficult times. If you’re blindsided, there’s no telling in what could happen.

I’ve struggled to find time to update this site. Though I wish to write everyday, as I mentioned earlier, deadlines and Jagger have kept me away more then I would like. I appreciate the one’s who have continued to enjoy the updates though. I’ve tried to at least update here and there with pictures, but it doesn’t seem the same as coming clean and expressing yourself openly on this thing called parenthood.

Though some of this may seem like a downer and not very upbeat for an update regarding my son’s first birthday, I really couldn’t be happier. I miss him every moment I’m away from him, and I love every moment I’m with him. I’m constantly excited to show him off and proud he’s my son. I enjoy watching him grow and learn something new each day. I enjoy the moments where he clings to me for comfort, the times he smiles and laughs with me, and the moments when he gets excited to see me after not being with him most of the day. I’m excited for the future and what’s to become. I’m excited to watch him grow. I’m excited to celebrate many more birthdays with him. Let’s just say this. We’re talking about having another one sooner then later, so things must be going great, right. Though I’m not going to lie, the days of wanting 4 or 5 kids has quickly gone to 3, if not 2. I guess 3 would be fine…

We’re having a Rock and Roll party for him this weekend back in PA. About 50 family and friends will be on hand. Pics to come soon! Thanks again everyone.